Palm of Your Hand
by aleatorywritings
Summary: He rubbed his hands over his face. "Your gear everything towards her. You've never studied so hard as when you're trying to get your marks as high as hers. You don't get the full rush when you're playing Quidditch unless she's watching in the stands. You've never tried so hard to get someone to notice you, care for you, and it's exactly that which is pushing her away." JPLE FEELS


On a warm May evening, the students of Hogwarts were eating dinner in the Great Hall, raucous laughter permeating from almost every mouth. Exams were over and students would be leaving on the train tomorrow to return in September.

Lily smiled. Sixth year had been okay but she was excited for the summer. She missed her parents dearly, and she needed a break from the magical world. It was loud and boisterous and wonderful—but she missed being with her parents and Tuney. Well, Tuney not so much. As she looked around at the happy faces around her, she couldn't help but feel like something was off. She scanned the crowd, her eyes finally resting on a group of three friends laughing loudly together, shoving pie in their mouths and speaking quickly.

Wait. Three?

* * *

><p>"Hey, you missed the feast."<p>

"What?" James ' eyes looked up from the couch to Lily, then at the clock. "Damn," he sighed. "I'll just go to the kitchens later."

Lily pursed her lips. James looked away from her. She shuffled her feet. "I have something to say, er, ask you," Lily forced out.

James reluctantly looked up, hands playing with the blanket on his lap. "Yes?"

She tucked a lock of hair behind her left ear. "Did I…do something to you?"

He blinked. "Pardon?"

"I mean," she paused, "I just thought we were doing so well."

James' gaze sharpened on her. "What do you mean?"

She bit her lip. "Well… we were getting along. You haven't really been a prick as much lately and our screaming matches have decreased in number. It was nice. You were even nice. I thought we were on our way to being—

"What, friends?" James scoffed.

"I…I don't know. But you've been avoiding me, I can tell. We went from almost merry to…distant. You don't visit me in the library anymore, and I'm a little lost here. She paused. "You're confusing me, James. I… thought we were going to be okay."

He looked up at her, eyes flicking to each little feature on her heart-shaped face and set a hard expression. "We're…we're not cordial, Lily."

"That's a lie."

"I don't see why you're trying to force some sense of companionship on me—"

"You're ignoring my point—"

"We barely spend time together—"

"Why are you avoiding me?!"

James stopped and looked at her. He then eyed his shoes and scratched the back of his neck. "Lily, have you ever tried putting yourself in my shoes?" James scooted over on the couch, motioning for Lily to join him. She hesitantly lowered her body to the cushions, her eyes watching James warily. He adjusted his body, wiped his hands and stared at the fire roaring in the hearth of the common room.

"Say you meet someone, someone very different from you and the world you grew up in. Someone who…who sparks your curiosity, but makes it clear they would rather not associate with you." James bit his lip. "You're but eleven years old, and the time you've spent with kids your own age was limited, so you don't know what exactly you're supposed to do when you start caring about what this stranger thinks of you. They've resolved themselves to ignore you, but you want the attention, you crave it, and you find that the only way to get it is to make that someone angry, to interfere with what they care about so they'll notice you." James paused. "It works."

"So you continue, and you start to get older and the 'distractions' you're causing get bigger and cause more trouble but you're too busy having fun creating them with your mates and getting that fiery spark out of her to notice that the attention isn't good-natured in the slightest. It's… malignant, and you're slowly poisoning the chance for you two to have _any_ sort of relationship, platonic or otherwise. And this, still, passes under your radar." Lily pressed her lips together and scooted closer to James, trying to interject, but James pressed on.

"More people are noticing you two, and credit the fights and angry responses to sexual tension, because you haven't exactly made your feelings towards her a secret." He laughed dryly. "You choose to believe them, because it would hurt—hurt way too much— to think that you ruined a potential relationship by trying to get her to notice you enough to start one. Your pride isn't helping things either."

James' voice became more passionate, more agitated. "Now, what do you do? She's all you can think about and it's like she's bloody _everywhere _because on top of being amazing she's brilliant in her marks, better than you, and you have almost all your classes with her. This…feeling for her is eating you from the inside out. What is it? Adoration? Obsession? Love? Merlin knows, but it's emotion much stronger than, than anything you've ever felt before, that you still don't know how to deal with, so it's like you're eleven again, watching a pale girl with red ringlets steal your heart while you simply _watch_, because you don't know how else to react."

"James—"

"Isn't it ironic though?" He rubbed his hands over his face. "Your gear _everything _towards her. You've never studied so hard as when you're trying to get your marks as high as hers. You don't get the full rush when you're playing Quidditch unless she's watching in the stands. You've never tried so hard to get someone to notice you, _care_ for you, and it's exactly that which is pushing her away. Can you even imagine how painful that is? I'm…I'm _stuck _here, trying to extract myself from you, but whether you see it or not, I'm just sitting in the palm of your hand, waiting for any indicator that I haven't completely ruined it all."

He turned towards Lily abruptly, eyes wide, breathing uneven. She stared back, lips slightly parted, mouth dry, stilled into a silence that settled around them with only the fire from the hearth crackling softly in the background. James opened his mouth, closed it and swallowed hard. "So, _yes_, to answer your question. I have been working _very _hard to stay away from you. The way things are, being around you _hurts_, Lily. It hurts a lot.

He turned away and wiped his hands on his robe. "Even now," he sighs, "you still make my palms sweaty when you look me in the eyes." He shook his head and stood, the blanket falling to the floor. "I get nervous, jittery even. What am I, twelve? It's ridiculous." He stepped over her feet and made his way to the painting. He stopped, and turned around. "I should go eat… goodnight, Lily." With that, James pushed the painting and stepped out into the corridor, and Lily remained still in her seat. She slowly leaned back into the couch, and let out a long breath. Rubbing her eyes, she picked the blanket up off of the floor, wrapping it around herself and staring into the hearth, lost in thought as she watched the flames dance and lick the firewood.

James stood outside the painting, fingers interlocked on top of his head, eyes closed, breath evening out. 'The truth will set you free," he murmured to himself, slowly opening his eyes. His hands dropped and he pressed his lips together as he began to stroll to the kitchens. He rounded a corner, running into Sirius. Stepping back, he gave Sirius a tight smile. "Mate, you would not believe what Moony…" Sirius started, then stopped. He eyed James' forced expression and tight shoulders for a moment or two and nodded. "Drop by the room when you're able," he said, walking around James and down the opposite corridor. James strolled through halls, losing track of time and eventually found himself in front of a painting of a large bowl of fruit. He moved his back to the wall next to it, and slid to the ground, knees propped up. He tried to clear his head, but all he could think of was copper curls and freckles and sharp green eyes. "Still stuck," he muttered, and got to his feet. Dusting his robe off, he tickled the pear and stepped into the warm kitchen, elf chatter filling his ears and momentarily distracting him.


End file.
